I never thought I would be one of the people who would be affected by a pregnancy loss. Probably because my first pregnancy was so effortless overall and “by the book”, that I didn’t even suspect something like this could happen to me. And yet it did…
At 8 weeks i started spotting. I was concerned, but we had a private scan booked for two days after this. We didn’t book it for that purpose, I’ve booked it in advance as I could feel almost right from the beginning that something didn’t feel right. It was just all too easy. Being pregnant previously, and knowing it doesn’t have to be a horrible experience, I thought maybe, just maybe, I am just even luckier than last time, and won’t experience that many symptoms.
I was wrong.
The sonographer told us there was no heartbeat and the scan was inconclusive, which meant we had to do it again in two weeks time. She said inconclusive, as it could have been too early to hear the heartbeat, since the baby was measuring only 6 weeks and 2 days. So I had a bit of hope left, but in my heart I felt that this was over.
I have rang my GP on Monday and booked an appointment, since it was too early to ring midwives and get their help. From then the “care” I had received, or rather the lack of it, just astonished me. No one cared, no one tried to help me. I’ve never said anything bad about the healthcare in the UK, and often even defended it when someone complaint. But after everything I went through, the fact that my GP couldn’t book a scan for me, and didn’t feel it was urgent, the fact that when I eventually started bleeding a week after, A&E didn’t treat me as “urgent” and told me to go to Medoc and wait for 5 hours, all of this made this situation so, so much worse. Even the midwives I rang in desperation on the day I started bleeding, did nothing for me. They promised to help, then didn’t even ring me back. The one I spoke to the next day just transferred me to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit at the hospital, knowing they don’t accept self-referrals, and she should be booking me there herself…
I felt all alone. I didn’t get any support from health professionals, and little from my husband, who was trying to deal with all of this mentally himself, nor from my “best friend”, who first only tried to push me into chasing doctors, when all I needed was a kind word, and who then went awal and doesn’t seem to care anymore. She doesn’t even know I miscarried, since she’s not been in touch for over two weeks, and I don’t feel like I want to share this with her anymore…
I have lost the baby on Wednesday 7th August. The emptiness I felt, physical and mental, after it happened will stay in my memory forever.
I will never know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I will never see them, cuddle them, touch them. My little girl will never know her brother or sister… And I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get over this.
I am still trying to deal with it, and still on my own pretty much the whole time. If it wasn’t for my little girl, who keeps me occupied, and my mum and her support, even if it’s from afar, I don’t know how I would have managed so far.
So for now, I take it all day by day. I have better and worse days. But somehow I have to be ok.