Seeing Our Baby for the First Time & My Worries about the Future

We’ve spent all day on Saturday in London, and the most important thing on that day was the private Doc’s appointment with our first scan. I was quite nervous, which I guess is very normal for this kind of situation. I was worried that something wouldn’t be right, having had those odd pains previously.

But thankfully everything turned out to be ok 🙂 The baby was fine, and it kept turning and moving and the Doctor said she feels sorry for us already if the baby is going to be so hyperactive after it’s born 🙂 I bet he/she will become a little runner!

We could see and hear our baby for the first time and it was a very special moment. It made it all so much more real. Especially for my husband, who hasn’t suffered with any pregnancy symptoms, as I do 🙂

It’s still too early to say if it will be a girl or a boy, but I don’t know why I have a feeling it might be a boy. I’m probably completely wrong, but that’s just my feeling. I really don’t mind, and haven’t got my mind set on either, I just want the baby to be healthy.

Now my next scan, this time the first hospital one, is next Tuesday, and it will be nice to see how the baby has grown for the week and a half, in between those two scans.

My husband has finally been able to tell his family about the baby, but we have asked them to keep it a secret still. My family knew from the start, as I felt like I needed their support. But we didn’t share the news with my husband’s family, worrying that they won’t be able to keep it a secret, and somehow it would have come out, before we tell everyone at work. This would cause a lot of drama and so we wanted to avoid it. I’m not close with my husband’s family, they are very different from me and my family. Very insensitive, rough even. And they always comment in a mean way on every decision I make, so I stay away as much as possible. I don’t need this negativity and stress. Especially now…

It was funny how some people that saw the picture of our baby tried to guess if it will be a girl or a boy. You cannot tell from the picture at all, but my husband says the baby looks like him already. I think it’s a little version of me though 🙂

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I worry a lot most of the time. I’m not sure if I won’t end up being on my own, with a little baby to support. It’s been difficult between us for a while and it’s not that we’re trying to save our marriage with this baby. On the contrary. Since I became pregnant I see more and more in my husband’s behaviour that makes me wonder if I wouldn’t be better off on my own. I expected more support from him, more understanding. But it looks like all he wanted was the baby, but doesn’t get that I might not be able to do some things anymore, and he has to help me more. We don’t talk a lot, because he just stays on his phone all evening, when we get home. Sometimes I really hate social media, and I think that it can destroy marriages as much as a betrayal. I survived the latter, and now I’m struggling with his addiction to Facebook. It’s sad, and I feel very lonely most of the time. Being a single mother wasn’t my plan, but sometimes I just think that I’m on my own now as well, so what difference would it make?

To make the situation even worse, he acts very irresponsibly. The best example was last Friday when he got really stressed at work and decided to quit. It wasn’t enough that he kept stressing me out the whole day by being angry and swearing like a mad man in the office, he also decided to quit his job and look for something else, not even being sure what the “else” was actually going to be. He is a very selfish person, but although in the past I just accepted this fact, now I won’t. For the whole weekend I had to put up with his bad mood every time I tried to talk to him about work, and then I just put my foot down and said that I’m very sorry, but this is not the time to make such a hasty decision, that he’s got a baby on the way, and has to be responsible. That I’m not going to support three people on my own. Every time in the past when I was unhappy at work he would tell me to suck it up and stay there until I had another job lined up. So I said I’ve had it this time. Now he needs to be the responsible person and make it all straight again at work, and deal with it.

Everything changed between us two years ago, when he “almost” cheated on me, and it took a lot to forgive him and to give us another chance, but since then I’m not the all-accepting wife I used to be. My love is no longer unconditional, as it was until then. And it all made me more of a person I used to be, before I met him. Stronger and more independent. Someone who won’t take all this shit anymore. So now that I’m pregnant, this is even more important. Yes, I will be fine on my own, but I won’t be fine with juggling work and childcare and supporting three people.  It might as well be just me and the baby then. It’s just very heart-breaking, because this is not how I wanted my baby’s life to look like. I haven’t lost hope yet, but I find it all very difficult sometimes…

 

 

 

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